Job Fail

Long ago, around 2003, I think some lady was giving a bj to her boyfriend, and her 4 year old daughter came in the room.

"Why were you putting your mouth on his thing?" she probably asked.

And, the mom probably answered something along the lines of "because it's special and we like it," or maybe she said "because it tastes good," who knows.

This little girl gets dropped off at daycare on Monday and blows a kid in the play house. It wasn't a proper blowjob, I'm sure, but according to one of the kids who saw it, "She put his penis in her mouth." She made a fist in front of her mouth to illustrate a pretend wiener in her hand. "Then she showed me his penis," she pointed the pretend penis at me, "then she laughed, and kept sucking it."

And that's why there's, now, no roof on the play house at L.P.A. in Redmond.

The Naked Lady Guy

Today, two tweenage skaters, in bike helmets, were buzzing around me. One of their mom's appeared. She pointed me out and went "Hey look! It's the naked lady guy!"

It took me a second to realize what she was talking about, and then I went "That's right."

And she replied "Wow!"

She walked over to observe me while I was working on my sloppiest, runniest endeavor, thus far. I was fitting myself into a neatly masked spot on a massive banner for the RND crew. She asked if I was with RND and I told her "No, this isn't mine. I bomb on other people's murals but I do it in a way that's not a crude 'X' right through it."

"Oh!" she smiles, "So you take someone's art and you improve upon it."

"Yes!" I lied.

She's got the right idea. It is my intention to take something cool and make it dope. Had she caught me last week I could have said with confidence "I made this shit look dope."

But she had caught me in the middle of a half-ass'd plan to merely get back up on a wall where, the day before, I had blatantly dissed a legitimate graffer with my first mural(ette). And that mural(ette) had been bombed by RND within 12 hours of me putting it up.

Had I been sighted (as the naked lady guy) while putting up that mural(ette) it would have made my week.

What could be done with 8.7Billion

8.7 billion dollars has gone unaccounted for in Iraq.

I did some research and based on First Solar's financials we could have done the following.

Spent half of it on education/training for

14,601 workers

And built 31 solar panel factories yielding 100 megawatts of panel per year.

By year 7 we'd have 39 factories with enough profit to finance 11 new factories.

year 9: 50 factories finance 14 new

year 11: 64 factories finance 18 new

year 13: 82 factories finance 23 New

year 15: 105 factories finance 30 new

year 17: 135 factories producing $5.4b profit

year 21: recouped initial investment with (US cut of) 2.7b profits each year. 63585 jobs created in Iraq.

Over 25 years it's less than a 4% APY, but it would curb the insurgency, create infrastructure for jobs and education, reduce the 25% poverty rate, keep Iraq in the energy production game, AND we'd get our money back.

This Takes me Back

I'd consider the double rainbow video to be fairly lame on the long list of viral media. This next video is also pretty lame but I can't get enough of it.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Celebrity Influence

Wow, I some how managed to miss Michael Jackson's Earth Song, back in the day.

But my girlfriend caught me up on it and now I'm sorta pissed off.

I'm suddenly, again, outraged that Oprah is retiring.

I can't say that this oil spill hasn't gotten a lot of media attention, but does anyone feel like there's something not happening which used to happen with shit like this?

Does anyone feel like "more should be done," but you can't place your finger on it?

That's because Michael Jackson used to have our backs and he'd sound the alarm and there'd be a huge production and shit would get -or at least feel- better.

What do we have instead? Kevin fucking Costner!

Oprah! You can't just take your money and turn your backs on us.

Rules of the Marion Manor of Iowa

1. No more chances.
2. No snotty, self-absorbed, - do as [you] damn well please - attitudes.
3. No slobbery (in part, or in total).
4. No rights.
5. No minding of business of which is not your own.
6. No further transgressions.
7. No snotty outbursts.
8. No sneaking out.
9. No staying out past 11:00pm on work nights.
10. No tromping up the stairs.
11. No leaving the lights on.
12. No cooking nor phone calls into the late hours of the night.
13. No AWOL's.
14. No bathroom messes.
15. No hiding messes behind closed doors.
16. No smoking (and no evidence there of).
17. No dirty Dishes.
18. No kitchen messes.
19. No misplacing of household items.

Idea for the Gulf Coast Oil Spill

People with names like Kenneth Montana belong to commissions dealing with tourism around the Gulf Coast. They're shitting their pants right now because the Deep Horizon Oil Spill is going to decimate the tourism sector in that region.

Someone should tell someone to tell something like FEMA to raise an army of volunteers across the nation, fund their transport, set up some tents and have a huge beach party/ relief effort where patriots and burners can go make and spend a little money in these twilight tourist communities.

Put me in charge and I'll work out the details, but for the time being, here's what I've whipped up.









We pay Mexico between $74 and $84 per barrel of crude.

Each volunteer should get paid $70 (tax free) for each salvaged barrel of crude, and BP should cut the checks. They have to clean it up anyway, and if the shit is out their too long, it'll end up worthless, so we might as well get to work scooping it up.

I know that scooping oil into a barrel might only yield $140 a day, but I'm sure that after 2 days, the weekend ruff necks will be improvising better, faster methods of filling those barrels. Plus, free FEMA accommodations and $140 a day is way better than being hella unemployed. Think of it as fishing only every time you cast, you catch something.

Seriously though, why not?

This picture is losing it's momentum.

Picture Review

If having to settle for a pulled pork sandwich isn't a big enough disappointment when you're eating out, Red Hook Brewery will double your disappointment when you actually get to see what you're spending $11 on.




This fucker is reading while driving.




Me looking thinner than usual in my late 20's.





This is a Japanese ring featuring a massive pearl.




This is how much a candy bar is supposed to cost.




This is me at my heaviest, around age 20.




This was once "the swimming hole."




This is a board game for Lord of the Rings.




This is litter left on a hiking trail by some prick who eats organic produce.

A Sunny Saturday

There was a 10 for $10 deal at QFC, so I thought I'd impress the girlfriend by chugging 10 vitamin-waters in the parking lot.

While I gulped through the third bottle, my girlfriend announced that, according to the labels, I had just consumed 60 ounces of panic attack potion.

Anyone who's ever drank 60 ounces of vitamine water might tell you how badly you'll end up having to pee... but if they do tell you that, they're a fucking liar because I shat out the 60 ounces of vitamine water within 20 minutes of drinking it.

I kid you not, I had to flush the toilet 4 times to mask the sound of my continuous crapping because the nerd at the game store didn't seem too excited when he pointed me to the restroom.

After the restroom episode, my gf and I went to get gyros and we took a stroll through the park.

We came across this flyer. We looked at it closely, and then my gf insisted that it was our duty to take this flyer and throw it in the trash.

Transcription below



"BABYSITTIN' SERVICE!!!!

Going out on a Saturday night?
Enjoying a day of relaxation?
Can't enjoy those things cuz' you've gotta watch your child?

Now you can! Dorian [full name] and Taylor [full name] are here to watch your children for a reasonable price!

With both of us at age thirteen and 7th graders we both have experience from babysitting.

We will watch all ages from 1 year olds to 9 year olds. We both have average grades and great attitudes.

We HIGHLY understand the responsibilityand maturity it takes to take care of your child.

You name the price that is resonable for you! (Payment by the hour is recommended)
If you are interested contact us at
[full phone number] (Dorian's phone)
[full phone number] (Taylor's phone)

taylor_[last name]@hotmail.com (Talor's Email)

[graphic: smiley face] Thanks 4 you're time."

fml

Guess who went to work wearing his underwear backwards today?

Taken at work

Candy Ass.

Of No Consequence

My sister has an interesting relationship with doors.

This was one of her many responses to my father's apathy.





I'm starting to think that the term "off it's hinges," requires a screw driver, or the word "almost," followed by nothing actually happening (except loud banging.)

Zing

To the untrained eye, this may appear boring.

click pic for full image


But having been an independent professional in a past life, I know the seething hatred which must be swallowed when your close friends KNOW you are in the field from which they pick a professional who is NOT YOU to pay ridiculous amounts of commission to.

My youngest sister is an idiot.

Oh Jesus Christ!!!

My mom was worried that my youngest sister was walking into an ambush, when she arranged to drive down to skid row and pick up her "ex" boyfriend's iPhone and house key.

This kid should have been out of the picture ages ago, however my sister can't seem to nut up and deal with the 4 to 6 sad days that follow a breakup.

She was telling me, that evening, how she had waited around for 3 hours while this kid was supposed to be getting his pay check. And after that 3 hour wait, he returned to her car empty handed. Then they got in a fight and she told him to go stay with his dad for the night.
I told her it was more likely that he promptly received his pay check and then took 3 hours to score heroin.

Being that I'm fucking psychic, my mother; with her .357 in her lap, my youngest sister, and I; following from behind in my car as back-up, rolled down to the SODO district to retrieve the iPhone and house key from this kid's dealer, known as Pilgrim; the heroin dealer who lives beneath the west Seattle bridge.

Nothing exciting happened because Pilgrim; the heroin dealer who lives beneath the west Seattle bridge, knows that when one of his customers is in possession of their fussy girlfriend's property, it's best to just deal with her so she'll stfu.

My youngest sister wanted me to commend her, as she kept asking "Are you proud of me? Are you proud of me for breaking up with him?"

"Lets see if it sticks," was all I was willing to reply.

It didn't stick.

So following the news that she asked my other sister to "Not tell dad that [my hep c positive, heroin addict bf] has moved back in, until dad cuts me the rent check for January," I am now buzzing with psychic predictions.

I predict that my sister will be going to jail for possession of heroin.

See, the poor, junky bf got "re-addicted" to heroin on xmas, which is my youngest sister's fault (of course).
He says that he only needs 1 gram of heroin a day to get by. And my sister claims that she can ration him out 1 gram every 4 days and he'll be fine.

You are retarded (or very, very not psychic) if you can't read from this that she'll be driving this kid to score heroin, will be the only heroin buyer with a car (cars have lic. plates btw), and become the heroin dealer(s)' taxi cab who trades rides places for drugs that her boyfriend can shoot into his neck (cuz his arms and feet are blown).

If she avoids jail up to that point, then she'll make all sorts of skid-row friends who will start squatting in her apartment (because now heroin is tolerated there) and she'll take on this ridiculous mother superior roll where she provides clean needles and shampoo, and then gets hustled into allowing heroin sales to take place, because for every bum you see holding a card-board sign, there are 4 to 6 people behind that guy who have (inch by inch) been bled for as much as they could possibly give to keep that bum from having to fill out some sort of application and hold themselves accountable to some sort of social contract.