fml

Guess who went to work wearing his underwear backwards today?

Taken at work

Candy Ass.

Of No Consequence

My sister has an interesting relationship with doors.

This was one of her many responses to my father's apathy.





I'm starting to think that the term "off it's hinges," requires a screw driver, or the word "almost," followed by nothing actually happening (except loud banging.)

Zing

To the untrained eye, this may appear boring.

click pic for full image


But having been an independent professional in a past life, I know the seething hatred which must be swallowed when your close friends KNOW you are in the field from which they pick a professional who is NOT YOU to pay ridiculous amounts of commission to.

My youngest sister is an idiot.

Oh Jesus Christ!!!

My mom was worried that my youngest sister was walking into an ambush, when she arranged to drive down to skid row and pick up her "ex" boyfriend's iPhone and house key.

This kid should have been out of the picture ages ago, however my sister can't seem to nut up and deal with the 4 to 6 sad days that follow a breakup.

She was telling me, that evening, how she had waited around for 3 hours while this kid was supposed to be getting his pay check. And after that 3 hour wait, he returned to her car empty handed. Then they got in a fight and she told him to go stay with his dad for the night.
I told her it was more likely that he promptly received his pay check and then took 3 hours to score heroin.

Being that I'm fucking psychic, my mother; with her .357 in her lap, my youngest sister, and I; following from behind in my car as back-up, rolled down to the SODO district to retrieve the iPhone and house key from this kid's dealer, known as Pilgrim; the heroin dealer who lives beneath the west Seattle bridge.

Nothing exciting happened because Pilgrim; the heroin dealer who lives beneath the west Seattle bridge, knows that when one of his customers is in possession of their fussy girlfriend's property, it's best to just deal with her so she'll stfu.

My youngest sister wanted me to commend her, as she kept asking "Are you proud of me? Are you proud of me for breaking up with him?"

"Lets see if it sticks," was all I was willing to reply.

It didn't stick.

So following the news that she asked my other sister to "Not tell dad that [my hep c positive, heroin addict bf] has moved back in, until dad cuts me the rent check for January," I am now buzzing with psychic predictions.

I predict that my sister will be going to jail for possession of heroin.

See, the poor, junky bf got "re-addicted" to heroin on xmas, which is my youngest sister's fault (of course).
He says that he only needs 1 gram of heroin a day to get by. And my sister claims that she can ration him out 1 gram every 4 days and he'll be fine.

You are retarded (or very, very not psychic) if you can't read from this that she'll be driving this kid to score heroin, will be the only heroin buyer with a car (cars have lic. plates btw), and become the heroin dealer(s)' taxi cab who trades rides places for drugs that her boyfriend can shoot into his neck (cuz his arms and feet are blown).

If she avoids jail up to that point, then she'll make all sorts of skid-row friends who will start squatting in her apartment (because now heroin is tolerated there) and she'll take on this ridiculous mother superior roll where she provides clean needles and shampoo, and then gets hustled into allowing heroin sales to take place, because for every bum you see holding a card-board sign, there are 4 to 6 people behind that guy who have (inch by inch) been bled for as much as they could possibly give to keep that bum from having to fill out some sort of application and hold themselves accountable to some sort of social contract.

Christmas 09

House sitting for the holidays is nice when out of town friends don't want to go back to their parents' homes after the bar closes.



Not to knock on people from LA but the only people with balls enough to ingest a live worm were me and my pal, The Cobra.




Following that, I may or may not have burned a hole in the rug where I was house sitting.



Can you see it?



(It's at the bottom center of the pic)





My Mom is famous for giving gifts that disappoint. I've decided that when telling my Mom what I want for x-mas, I get very specific and pretty much delegate to her my resupply of calender stationary.




I don't quite understand why she'd package it in an empty box, twice the size of my gift, though.



Was she hoping that I'd find relief when I opened the mysterious box and not find a stupid ebay gift?

My Mid-West Grandma still seems to recall when that kid stole our christmas money, and now she sends my cards in more secure parcels.



My sister will do anything to get others to agree that my dad is strange.




Toilet paper rolls behind your bedroom door is fucking strange.



I came across them when wrapping gifts at my Dad's house.

I have no idea why he'd be hording used toilet paper rolls. I looked it up and seriously, none of this shit is stuff my dad cares about.

Quirky Family

My Other Sister, the middle of us three kids, has been with her current boyfriend for a few - going on several - years. I'm not sure if marriage is in the cards; based on what my sister's shared with me.

I guess that whenever the topic of marriage comes up, her boyfriend maintains the stance that (for whatever reason) he is not going to marry my sister.

The topic came up recently and the conversation went down the same old path, so my sister, who states she could see herself "getting more and more upset," preemptively kicked her boyfriend out of the bedroom, slamming a locked door in his face.




To which he replied:




(Fuck you door!)

Believe it or not, that was just one kick! However, his foot went through the door and got stuck, so the other 7 sq ft. of door came off when he gracefully withdrew.

I don't know if you can tell... but the door is fucked.
My sister decided that the upper half of the door is door-ey enough to keep up. Unfortunately, it snaps and grinds when they try to open it, so...



They crawl through the hole like people-sized animals.

Impressed

Desert Fire's breakfast is a secret so well kept, it's probably the worst shift for the wait staff to work.

The mimosa's cost One-fucking-Dollar!!!!!

The food was so good I took the left overs to the park.




Seriously, I went home, brought the left overs inside, realized I needed smokes, grabbed the left overs, took them back out to the car, got my smokes, then took the left overs to the park.

I still have yet to eat them.


Update:
I ate them.