Racial

I just heard from a credible source that there's a consensus among women of color that "White guys don't wash their dicks."

"Yeah, like it's locker-room knowledge," said my source. "I was sort of like 'whatever' when my Filipina friends were talking about how white guys don't wash their dicks and they get dick cheese. And then I heard my Black friends mention it all like 'haha dick cheese,' and then my Mexican friends were all..."

I go on to find out from my source that when she calls a guy a dick cheese, she's not calling him a dick cheese.

I've been misinterpreting the saying "Haha dick cheese."

I always thought it meant Look at that douche bag.

It actually means That White guy has a filthy, smagmatic penis.

I felt hella gross when I heard all of this. I'm sure every dude has had first hand experience being 6 years old and seeing what not washing does; but White guys specifically??????

To see if this whole - White guys don't wash their dicks - thing was more of a racial myth than a well earned stereotype, I asked my source "So where does this dick cheese grow?"

"I presume everywhere, if you don't wash your dick. Like on the balls in the folds of the sack and..." She replied.

So the dick cheese component of the myth, being some misnomer that goes way beyond smegma, proves that men of color don't have some sort of upper hand in dick cleanliness because it's not like they're washing their dicks between showers. They're just telling women of color that White guys don't wash their dicks.

White guys, rest assured that washing your dick every time you shower is enough to classify you under "does wash dick." (It's got to be EVERY time you shower though.)

Mono

My dad gave me a pat on the back for getting Mono. Throughout the whole summer leading up to tenth grade I slept in till 1:pm, napped on picnic tables and played the sick card to avoid getting a summer job.

It was fucking awesome.

Mom could tell my glans were swollen, but only when I put my ear to my shoulder, could you see the epic baseball size mass sticking out of my neck. I was sort of proud of it.

Also, I drank a shit ton of Serge.





My dad would bring by a 12 pack of it every other day; a pseudo, medicinal campaign to help me shake the sand man.

When the summer started, I was short and fat. By the end of summer I awoke tall with even baggier Jncos.

My height is a little bit unprecedented at the family BBQ's, and a little piece of me wants to thank the Surge.

Thank you, my fully loaded citrus soda (with Carbos).







Yes, that's the fat kid from Sandlot.