True Story

I can't say that vegan people, as a whole, bother me- but the vegans in vegan restaurants bother me.
Always sick- you people.
And blowing your nose at the table? Using alternative cookbooks does not warrant you rewriting the rules of etiquette.

So woe is me, when I dip my fingers in the water glass and flick a spritz in this little girl's face while she's watching me eat.

When I was a kid, I couldn't stand on the booth, cuz mom said so. And for certain, I was not allowed to stand on the booth lean over the back of the seat and stare at the adjacent table of diners.
"Are you one of those guys who spanks other people's kids?" asked the girl I was sitting with.
"Flicking water in her face is far from spanking her."
"Yeah but why did you do that? She wasn't bothering anyone."
"She was bothering me," I replied.
"How?"
I wiped my mouth and took a sip of water cuz this was going to be a thorough explanation. "When studying early childhood education, I had a project where I did a lot of research on breastfeeding. I was actually pretty enthusiastic about the topic once I dove into it, and I found myself in seminar with a gripe- 'I'm all for women being able to breast feed in public, but there seems to be a double standard when it comes to overcoming the stigma attached to breastfeeding in public. Why can't I look on and observe?' The girls in the seminar looked at me like I was a pervert but I assured them that my research had earned me a valid fascination with the phenomena. The room got quiet, because none of the women in the class wanted to say 'yeah that is hypocritical- insisting that breast feeding be de-sexualized but then assume that any man looking on is some sort of pervert.' But my professor was able to reduce this quandary to a rule of thumb. 'It's rude to watch people eat.' And thus, that little girl was watching me eat, and it was rude."
Alluding to being an advocate for breastfeeding somehow gives you a pass to be stern with children (I guess) so having capped that conversation, I got up from the table to take a shit.

Oh self governing vegans, why don't you mind your children. And why the fuck are your bathrooms so dirty? I have no problem waiting outside an occupied bathroom, but when the men's room is occupied by a silver back lesbian with the zule hair cut (and her kid) I think I have cause to complain- especially when it's not a good fit for me to take my big meaty shit in the vacant, vegan ladies' room.

When I got back to the table I complained about having to leave the bathroom in better condition than I found it. Much unlike the silver back lesbian who, when we were leaving, was sitting by the door with her old tit in a baby's mouth.