Christmas 09

House sitting for the holidays is nice when out of town friends don't want to go back to their parents' homes after the bar closes.



Not to knock on people from LA but the only people with balls enough to ingest a live worm were me and my pal, The Cobra.




Following that, I may or may not have burned a hole in the rug where I was house sitting.



Can you see it?



(It's at the bottom center of the pic)





My Mom is famous for giving gifts that disappoint. I've decided that when telling my Mom what I want for x-mas, I get very specific and pretty much delegate to her my resupply of calender stationary.




I don't quite understand why she'd package it in an empty box, twice the size of my gift, though.



Was she hoping that I'd find relief when I opened the mysterious box and not find a stupid ebay gift?

My Mid-West Grandma still seems to recall when that kid stole our christmas money, and now she sends my cards in more secure parcels.



My sister will do anything to get others to agree that my dad is strange.




Toilet paper rolls behind your bedroom door is fucking strange.



I came across them when wrapping gifts at my Dad's house.

I have no idea why he'd be hording used toilet paper rolls. I looked it up and seriously, none of this shit is stuff my dad cares about.

Quirky Family

My Other Sister, the middle of us three kids, has been with her current boyfriend for a few - going on several - years. I'm not sure if marriage is in the cards; based on what my sister's shared with me.

I guess that whenever the topic of marriage comes up, her boyfriend maintains the stance that (for whatever reason) he is not going to marry my sister.

The topic came up recently and the conversation went down the same old path, so my sister, who states she could see herself "getting more and more upset," preemptively kicked her boyfriend out of the bedroom, slamming a locked door in his face.




To which he replied:




(Fuck you door!)

Believe it or not, that was just one kick! However, his foot went through the door and got stuck, so the other 7 sq ft. of door came off when he gracefully withdrew.

I don't know if you can tell... but the door is fucked.
My sister decided that the upper half of the door is door-ey enough to keep up. Unfortunately, it snaps and grinds when they try to open it, so...



They crawl through the hole like people-sized animals.

Impressed

Desert Fire's breakfast is a secret so well kept, it's probably the worst shift for the wait staff to work.

The mimosa's cost One-fucking-Dollar!!!!!

The food was so good I took the left overs to the park.




Seriously, I went home, brought the left overs inside, realized I needed smokes, grabbed the left overs, took them back out to the car, got my smokes, then took the left overs to the park.

I still have yet to eat them.


Update:
I ate them.

Racial

I just heard from a credible source that there's a consensus among women of color that "White guys don't wash their dicks."

"Yeah, like it's locker-room knowledge," said my source. "I was sort of like 'whatever' when my Filipina friends were talking about how white guys don't wash their dicks and they get dick cheese. And then I heard my Black friends mention it all like 'haha dick cheese,' and then my Mexican friends were all..."

I go on to find out from my source that when she calls a guy a dick cheese, she's not calling him a dick cheese.

I've been misinterpreting the saying "Haha dick cheese."

I always thought it meant Look at that douche bag.

It actually means That White guy has a filthy, smagmatic penis.

I felt hella gross when I heard all of this. I'm sure every dude has had first hand experience being 6 years old and seeing what not washing does; but White guys specifically??????

To see if this whole - White guys don't wash their dicks - thing was more of a racial myth than a well earned stereotype, I asked my source "So where does this dick cheese grow?"

"I presume everywhere, if you don't wash your dick. Like on the balls in the folds of the sack and..." She replied.

So the dick cheese component of the myth, being some misnomer that goes way beyond smegma, proves that men of color don't have some sort of upper hand in dick cleanliness because it's not like they're washing their dicks between showers. They're just telling women of color that White guys don't wash their dicks.

White guys, rest assured that washing your dick every time you shower is enough to classify you under "does wash dick." (It's got to be EVERY time you shower though.)

Mono

My dad gave me a pat on the back for getting Mono. Throughout the whole summer leading up to tenth grade I slept in till 1:pm, napped on picnic tables and played the sick card to avoid getting a summer job.

It was fucking awesome.

Mom could tell my glans were swollen, but only when I put my ear to my shoulder, could you see the epic baseball size mass sticking out of my neck. I was sort of proud of it.

Also, I drank a shit ton of Serge.





My dad would bring by a 12 pack of it every other day; a pseudo, medicinal campaign to help me shake the sand man.

When the summer started, I was short and fat. By the end of summer I awoke tall with even baggier Jncos.

My height is a little bit unprecedented at the family BBQ's, and a little piece of me wants to thank the Surge.

Thank you, my fully loaded citrus soda (with Carbos).







Yes, that's the fat kid from Sandlot.

Parking Ticket?

No Surprise

When my youngest sister's, Junkie Boyfriend got out of jail, she gave him a key to her new apartment, with a keychain that reads "Welcome Home."





Now that he's back in Jail, he doesn't need it anymore. Nor does he need any of the other stuff on The Table.