Broke Nose

Going on Blast

2011-05-10T17:47:00.000-07:00

So... it's my birthday, and once again I've put a ton of hours into making something for you to love. (See how you can thank me at the bottom of this post.)

Earlier in the year I met a girl from the internet. She was hyper conservative and uncomfortable around black people.

She forgot that she gave me her blog address, and consequently had no idea I was reading the shit she was posting about me.

Had her blogs been better written - (far) more accurate - accounts of what happened, the posts probably would not have been that interesting.

Fortunately, shitty people exist!

So, I have made dramatic readings of her posts.

Dramatic Reading of a Dating Blog Vol. 1

Dramatic Reading of a Dating Blog Vol. 2

Dramatic Reading of a Dating Blog Vol. 3

This girl seems to be pretty optimistic that one day her blog will turn into a best selling paper back. My fantasy is that some network intern will find these videos and fly me out as a surprise guest on some morning-show where we'll give a tandem interview, promoting her book. Then later that night, in a hotel near 30Rock, she and I will bury the hatchet over cocktails in the lounge. And, if RomCom's have taught me anything, it's that we'll end up in her room, where I will make love to her... Begrudgingly!

So! For my bday, please pick a side and leave a comment on her blog.

macleigh.blogspot.com

Reposting this would be the shit too.

My Crappy Week

2011-03-21T01:34:00.001-07:00

Click images to enlarge.

Pics from my phone.

2011-03-18T23:15:00.000-07:00

I have a crappy phone. Remember when you had a crappy phone and you used to have to clear your sms memory every few days?

This is me pretty much cleaning out the pictures.

A 200 pound face made of pure white chocolate.

A close friend's Epic Driver's Lic.

Raging party with the Bunns: Rush and tackle in the coi pond

Raging party with the Bunns: Staple kid in the local scene gets faded into a cross-eyed coma, - like - at all their parties.

Raging party with the Bunns: Vomit and Cake in the coi pond.

Raging party with the Bunns: Night ends with a jovial round of property damage. (He was whining that he wanted to remodel his kitchen, so we talked him into it)

Prescription antiperspirant from when I was a teen with a blazing-fast metabolism.

Drinking fountain at work

Cousin graduated the 6th grade and we made him think we got him a stupid book.

I shaved my body hair to form a sweet 6 pack.

Cousin's outy

Photo from college.

Me doing a contrived boxer's pose in a friend's painting.

Me again (I think it's the same painting)

Me again. The kitchen was too small for me to snap a photo of the whole painting.

When I lost weight, I stayed in baggy clothes just to show my friends this after pic, irl.

I threw up the phone number for the US Congressional Switch board. (save it to your phone under "Congress")

A single mom cancelled our date at the last minute so we switched it to a phone date. (Title: Table for One)

My valentines mural

Thank god fortune cookies are free

Shot this to a girl on valentines. She tests the blood for the blood bank. I figured I'd stick heart stickers to my viles so she'd get them at the lab. The supervisor at the blood bank wasn't having it.

In my recent post Pop Goes The Ego a girl made me feel a little self conscious. I took this pic so to pick on her and accuse her of making me feel self conscious.

I threw up one of those backdrops that they use in police lineups.

Close friend made his own manifold to light up the Tacoma glass-art scene. It makes the cutest burping noise.

Internet girl shot me a snap of one of her paintings. Then later, she sorta spun me out. (I learned nothing!)

This was the pic I showed to the blood bank supervisor. "See," I said. "I was planning to put the heart stickers up where it won't interfere with the instruments." The supervisor was shocked and wanted to know the name of the employee who sent me that pic. I kept a tight lip and girly still has a job.

Some loud art at Seatac International. My phone compressed it down to a thumb nail for some reason.

My phone sucks, but this was an acrylic painting at the Seattle Art Museum. The colors were really vivid and distinct.

I tried to copy that painting with spray paint.

I wasted my money on some spray paint intended for metal. I made it work.

Fall color phase.

Thanksgiving mural.

Took a shot at the galaxy crap.

I've sent this to girls I've never met. And then they'd meet me.

Xmas mural

Girly in Olympia lives in one of her dad's houses and just doesn't give a f***

You need to have played Robot Unicorn to get this.

Girly locked me out of her building at 4:am. I had no clue why. I found this mark on my arm and got super worried that I had forgotten some sort of altercation. If so, then she also blacked it out, so I think I'm safe.

Pop Goes The Ego

2011-02-17T18:26:00.000-08:00

Okay fuckers, this is the pic on my dating profile:

Yes, it's from 2007.

The way I roll on internet dating sites is I keep my profile hidden. That keeps my face from being associated with the other douche bags online. If you've never been on a dating site, you should really take note. Girls get TONS of mail from douche bags. Girls don't usually write back to douche bags. A large percentage of douche bags get frustrated and start sending butt hurt emails.

So basically, girls log into dating sites. They find themselves in a sea of douche bags, they read douchey, butt hurt messages which call them "stuck up," and "vapid." Then they click on your profile and go "This guy must also be a douche bag."

Fair enough.

I keep my shit hidden so that doesn't happen to me.

When I see a girl I like, I send a simple " ;) " and that's all.

Sure you can read a girl's profile. Sure, you can write some bullshit to make a girl think you're awesome. But, why waste the effort if they're not gonna write back?

I just send a simple winky-face, and 1 in 8 girls write back.

Here's a girl who responded to my winky-face.

Her name is Siobhan (pronounced: Sheh-Von)

Certainly no divergence between the two pictures. (PFFFFT)

I talk her into going out with me.

She was super hesitant to give me her phone number, but I finally got a text at work:

Girl:

Hey 6 at trudys tonight?

Me:

Yup. :)
Do you get picture text?

Girl:

Yes

Me:

Hi Siobhan!

Grainy but current. :)

Girl:

You dnt look like person in profile

Me:

Never heard that before.

Girl:

Maybe cause its a profile and not head on shot. But from that picture im not interested. Which sounds mean but its true and i dnt wanna have you drive down here for nothing.

Me:

no that's not mean. I was just shooting you the pic so you could see what I was wearing so you'd know me when I walked in. You want a better pic we'll take a couple where I'm smiling. don't fret over a rushed snap shot from the men's room. trust me.

Girl:

Sorry. I wont be showing up tonight

Me:

Jesus.

Me (half hour later):

Don't feel bad. it's perfectly in bounds to be skittish in the context of first dates. :) it's alright if you need to cancel.

Girl:

I need to cancel.

Me:

Yeah, we covered that, lol.

Girl:

Oh okay just making sure aren't making the trip for nothing.

Me:

I meant don't feel bad for cancelling.

Girl:

Alright.

Me (1 hour later):

Girl:

Um...

Me:

Haha
Based on my experience, that writing on the wall is nothing short of true. ;)

Me:

I'm not gonna push the meeting up thing, I'm already home. But ou should poor yourself a glass of wine and we'll chat on the phone. :)

Girl:

Oh really? Okay

Me:

Do you want me to call you now, or wait until 6 as planned?

Girl:

What? Why would you call?

Me:

You just said okay, to the phone proposal. check your texts. ;)

Girl:

I didn't see that msg

Me:

Yeah well how are you feelin' it?

Girl:

I'm not much of a talker... esp on the phone.

Girl:

[silent treatment]

MFWTF?

Job Fail

2010-11-13T22:46:00.000-08:00

Long ago, around 2003, I think some lady was giving a bj to her boyfriend, and her 4 year old daughter came in the room.

"Why were you putting your mouth on his thing?" she probably asked.

And, the mom probably answered something along the lines of "because it's special and we like it," or maybe she said "because it tastes good," who knows.

This little girl gets dropped off at daycare on Monday and blows a kid in the play house. It wasn't a proper blowjob, I'm sure, but according to one of the kids who saw it, "She put his penis in her mouth." She made a fist in front of her mouth to illustrate a pretend wiener in her hand. "Then she showed me his penis," she pointed the pretend penis at me, "then she laughed, and kept sucking it."

And that's why there's, now, no roof on the play house at L.P.A. in Redmond.

The Naked Lady Guy

2010-10-03T23:09:00.000-07:00

Today, two tweenage skaters, in bike helmets, were buzzing around me. One of their mom's appeared. She pointed me out and went "Hey look! It's the naked lady guy!"

It took me a second to realize what she was talking about, and then I went "That's right."

And she replied "Wow!"

She walked over to observe me while I was working on my sloppiest, runniest endeavor, thus far. I was fitting myself into a neatly masked spot on a massive banner for the RND crew. She asked if I was with RND and I told her "No, this isn't mine. I bomb on other people's murals but I do it in a way that's not a crude 'X' right through it."

"Oh!" she smiles, "So you take someone's art and you improve upon it."

"Yes!" I lied.

She's got the right idea. It is my intention to take something cool and make it dope. Had she caught me last week I could have said with confidence "I made this shit look dope."

But she had caught me in the middle of a half-ass'd plan to merely get back up on a wall where, the day before, I had blatantly dissed a legitimate graffer with my first mural(ette). And that mural(ette) had been bombed by RND within 12 hours of me putting it up.

Had I been sighted (as the naked lady guy) while putting up that mural(ette) it would have made my week.

What could be done with 8.7Billion

2010-08-05T04:57:00.000-07:00

8.7 billion dollars has gone unaccounted for in Iraq.

I did some research and based on First Solar's financials we could have done the following.

Spent half of it on education/training for

14,601 workers

And built 31 solar panel factories yielding 100 megawatts of panel per year.

By year 7 we'd have 39 factories with enough profit to finance 11 new factories.

year 9: 50 factories finance 14 new

year 11: 64 factories finance 18 new

year 13: 82 factories finance 23 New

year 15: 105 factories finance 30 new

year 17: 135 factories producing $5.4b profit

year 21: recouped initial investment with (US cut of) 2.7b profits each year. 63585 jobs created in Iraq.

Over 25 years it's less than a 4% APY, but it would curb the insurgency, create infrastructure for jobs and education, reduce the 25% poverty rate, keep Iraq in the energy production game, AND we'd get our money back.

This Takes me Back

2010-07-18T16:35:00.000-07:00

I'd consider the double rainbow video to be fairly lame on the long list of viral media. This next video is also pretty lame but I can't get enough of it.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Celebrity Influence

2010-07-01T22:49:00.000-07:00

Wow, I some how managed to miss Michael Jackson's Earth Song, back in the day.

But my girlfriend caught me up on it and now I'm sorta pissed off.

I'm suddenly, again, outraged that Oprah is retiring.

I can't say that this oil spill hasn't gotten a lot of media attention, but does anyone feel like there's something not happening which used to happen with shit like this?

Does anyone feel like "more should be done," but you can't place your finger on it?

That's because Michael Jackson used to have our backs and he'd sound the alarm and there'd be a huge production and shit would get -or at least feel- better.

What do we have instead? Kevin fucking Costner!

Oprah! You can't just take your money and turn your backs on us.

Rules of the Marion Manor of Iowa

2010-06-09T17:17:00.000-07:00

1. No more chances.
2. No snotty, self-absorbed, - do as [you] damn well please - attitudes.
3. No slobbery (in part, or in total).
4. No rights.
5. No minding of business of which is not your own.
6. No further transgressions.
7. No snotty outbursts.
8. No sneaking out.
9. No staying out past 11:00pm on work nights.
10. No tromping up the stairs.
11. No leaving the lights on.
12. No cooking nor phone calls into the late hours of the night.
13. No AWOL's.
14. No bathroom messes.
15. No hiding messes behind closed doors.
16. No smoking (and no evidence there of).
17. No dirty Dishes.
18. No kitchen messes.
19. No misplacing of household items.

Idea for the Gulf Coast Oil Spill

2010-05-11T01:04:00.000-07:00

People with names like Kenneth Montana belong to commissions dealing with tourism around the Gulf Coast. They're shitting their pants right now because the Deep Horizon Oil Spill is going to decimate the tourism sector in that region.

Someone should tell someone to tell something like FEMA to raise an army of volunteers across the nation, fund their transport, set up some tents and have a huge beach party/ relief effort where patriots and burners can go make and spend a little money in these twilight tourist communities.

Put me in charge and I'll work out the details, but for the time being, here's what I've whipped up.

We pay Mexico between $74 and $84 per barrel of crude.

Each volunteer should get paid $70 (tax free) for each salvaged barrel of crude, and BP should cut the checks. They have to clean it up anyway, and if the shit is out their too long, it'll end up worthless, so we might as well get to work scooping it up.

I know that scooping oil into a barrel might only yield $140 a day, but I'm sure that after 2 days, the weekend ruff necks will be improvising better, faster methods of filling those barrels. Plus, free FEMA accommodations and $140 a day is way better than being hella unemployed. Think of it as fishing only every time you cast, you catch something.

Seriously though, why not?

This picture is losing it's momentum.

Picture Review

2010-05-04T14:16:00.000-07:00

If having to settle for a pulled pork sandwich isn't a big enough disappointment when you're eating out, Red Hook Brewery will double your disappointment when you actually get to see what you're spending $11 on.

This fucker is reading while driving.

Me looking thinner than usual in my late 20's.

This is a Japanese ring featuring a massive pearl.

This is how much a candy bar is supposed to cost.

This is me at my heaviest, around age 20.

This was once "the swimming hole."

This is a board game for Lord of the Rings.

This is litter left on a hiking trail by some prick who eats organic produce.

A Sunny Saturday

2010-03-28T13:05:00.000-07:00

There was a 10 for $10 deal at QFC, so I thought I'd impress the girlfriend by chugging 10 vitamin-waters in the parking lot.

While I gulped through the third bottle, my girlfriend announced that, according to the labels, I had just consumed 60 ounces of panic attack potion.

Anyone who's ever drank 60 ounces of vitamine water might tell you how badly you'll end up having to pee... but if they do tell you that, they're a fucking liar because I shat out the 60 ounces of vitamine water within 20 minutes of drinking it.

I kid you not, I had to flush the toilet 4 times to mask the sound of my continuous crapping because the nerd at the game store didn't seem too excited when he pointed me to the restroom.

After the restroom episode, my gf and I went to get gyros and we took a stroll through the park.

We came across this flyer. We looked at it closely, and then my gf insisted that it was our duty to take this flyer and throw it in the trash.

Transcription below

"BABYSITTIN' SERVICE!!!!

Going out on a Saturday night?
Enjoying a day of relaxation?
Can't enjoy those things cuz' you've gotta watch your child?

Now you can! Dorian [full name] and Taylor [full name] are here to watch your children for a reasonable price!

With both of us at age thirteen and 7th graders we both have experience from babysitting.

We will watch all ages from 1 year olds to 9 year olds. We both have average grades and great attitudes.

We HIGHLY understand the responsibilityand maturity it takes to take care of your child.

You name the price that is resonable for you! (Payment by the hour is recommended)
If you are interested contact us at
[full phone number] (Dorian's phone)
[full phone number] (Taylor's phone)

taylor_[last name]@hotmail.com (Talor's Email)

[graphic: smiley face] Thanks 4 you're time."

fml

2010-01-28T21:37:00.001-08:00

Guess who went to work wearing his underwear backwards today?

Taken at work

Candy Ass.

Of No Consequence

2010-01-19T19:02:00.000-08:00

My sister has an interesting relationship with doors.

This was one of her many responses to my father's apathy.

I'm starting to think that the term "off it's hinges," requires a screw driver, or the word "almost," followed by nothing actually happening (except loud banging.)

Zing

2010-01-15T15:42:00.000-08:00

To the untrained eye, this may appear boring.

click pic for full image

But having been an independent professional in a past life, I know the seething hatred which must be swallowed when your close friends KNOW you are in the field from which they pick a professional who is NOT YOU to pay ridiculous amounts of commission to.

My youngest sister is an idiot.

2010-01-04T15:58:00.000-08:00

Oh Jesus Christ!!!

My mom was worried that my youngest sister was walking into an ambush, when she arranged to drive down to skid row and pick up her "ex" boyfriend's iPhone and house key.

This kid should have been out of the picture ages ago, however my sister can't seem to nut up and deal with the 4 to 6 sad days that follow a breakup.

She was telling me, that evening, how she had waited around for 3 hours while this kid was supposed to be getting his pay check. And after that 3 hour wait, he returned to her car empty handed. Then they got in a fight and she told him to go stay with his dad for the night.
I told her it was more likely that he promptly received his pay check and then took 3 hours to score heroin.

Being that I'm fucking psychic, my mother; with her .357 in her lap, my youngest sister, and I; following from behind in my car as back-up, rolled down to the SODO district to retrieve the iPhone and house key from this kid's dealer, known as Pilgrim; the heroin dealer who lives beneath the west Seattle bridge.

Nothing exciting happened because Pilgrim; the heroin dealer who lives beneath the west Seattle bridge, knows that when one of his customers is in possession of their fussy girlfriend's property, it's best to just deal with her so she'll stfu.

My youngest sister wanted me to commend her, as she kept asking "Are you proud of me? Are you proud of me for breaking up with him?"

"Lets see if it sticks," was all I was willing to reply.

It didn't stick.

So following the news that she asked my other sister to "Not tell dad that [my hep c positive, heroin addict bf] has moved back in, until dad cuts me the rent check for January," I am now buzzing with psychic predictions.

I predict that my sister will be going to jail for possession of heroin.

See, the poor, junky bf got "re-addicted" to heroin on xmas, which is my youngest sister's fault (of course).
He says that he only needs 1 gram of heroin a day to get by. And my sister claims that she can ration him out 1 gram every 4 days and he'll be fine.

You are retarded (or very, very not psychic) if you can't read from this that she'll be driving this kid to score heroin, will be the only heroin buyer with a car (cars have lic. plates btw), and become the heroin dealer(s)' taxi cab who trades rides places for drugs that her boyfriend can shoot into his neck (cuz his arms and feet are blown).

If she avoids jail up to that point, then she'll make all sorts of skid-row friends who will start squatting in her apartment (because now heroin is tolerated there) and she'll take on this ridiculous mother superior roll where she provides clean needles and shampoo, and then gets hustled into allowing heroin sales to take place, because for every bum you see holding a card-board sign, there are 4 to 6 people behind that guy who have (inch by inch) been bled for as much as they could possibly give to keep that bum from having to fill out some sort of application and hold themselves accountable to some sort of social contract.

Christmas 09

2009-12-29T16:41:00.000-08:00

House sitting for the holidays is nice when out of town friends don't want to go back to their parents' homes after the bar closes.

Not to knock on people from LA but the only people with balls enough to ingest a live worm were me and my pal, The Cobra.

Following that, I may or may not have burned a hole in the rug where I was house sitting.

Can you see it?

(It's at the bottom center of the pic)

My Mom is famous for giving gifts that disappoint. I've decided that when telling my Mom what I want for x-mas, I get very specific and pretty much delegate to her my resupply of calender stationary.

I don't quite understand why she'd package it in an empty box, twice the size of my gift, though.

Was she hoping that I'd find relief when I opened the mysterious box and not find a stupid ebay gift?

My Mid-West Grandma still seems to recall when that kid stole our christmas money, and now she sends my cards in more secure parcels.

My sister will do anything to get others to agree that my dad is strange.

Toilet paper rolls behind your bedroom door is fucking strange.

I came across them when wrapping gifts at my Dad's house.

I have no idea why he'd be hording used toilet paper rolls. I looked it up and seriously, none of this shit is stuff my dad cares about.

Quirky Family

2009-12-10T14:36:00.000-08:00

My Other Sister, the middle of us three kids, has been with her current boyfriend for a few - going on several - years. I'm not sure if marriage is in the cards; based on what my sister's shared with me.

I guess that whenever the topic of marriage comes up, her boyfriend maintains the stance that (for whatever reason) he is not going to marry my sister.

The topic came up recently and the conversation went down the same old path, so my sister, who states she could see herself "getting more and more upset," preemptively kicked her boyfriend out of the bedroom, slamming a locked door in his face.

To which he replied:

(Fuck you door!)

Believe it or not, that was just one kick! However, his foot went through the door and got stuck, so the other 7 sq ft. of door came off when he gracefully withdrew.

I don't know if you can tell... but the door is fucked.
My sister decided that the upper half of the door is door-ey enough to keep up. Unfortunately, it snaps and grinds when they try to open it, so...

They crawl through the hole like people-sized animals.

Impressed

2009-12-06T12:43:00.000-08:00

Desert Fire's breakfast is a secret so well kept, it's probably the worst shift for the wait staff to work.

The mimosa's cost One-fucking-Dollar!!!!!

The food was so good I took the left overs to the park.

Seriously, I went home, brought the left overs inside, realized I needed smokes, grabbed the left overs, took them back out to the car, got my smokes, then took the left overs to the park.

I still have yet to eat them.

Update:
I ate them.

Racial

2009-11-13T00:56:00.000-08:00

I just heard from a credible source that there's a consensus among women of color that "White guys don't wash their dicks."

"Yeah, like it's locker-room knowledge," said my source. "I was sort of like 'whatever' when my Filipina friends were talking about how white guys don't wash their dicks and they get dick cheese. And then I heard my Black friends mention it all like 'haha dick cheese,' and then my Mexican friends were all..."

I go on to find out from my source that when she calls a guy a dick cheese, she's not calling him a dick cheese.

I've been misinterpreting the saying "Haha dick cheese."

I always thought it meant Look at that douche bag.

It actually means That White guy has a filthy, smagmatic penis.

I felt hella gross when I heard all of this. I'm sure every dude has had first hand experience being 6 years old and seeing what not washing does; but White guys specifically??????

To see if this whole - White guys don't wash their dicks - thing was more of a racial myth than a well earned stereotype, I asked my source "So where does this dick cheese grow?"

"I presume everywhere, if you don't wash your dick. Like on the balls in the folds of the sack and..." She replied.

So the dick cheese component of the myth, being some misnomer that goes way beyond smegma, proves that men of color don't have some sort of upper hand in dick cleanliness because it's not like they're washing their dicks between showers. They're just telling women of color that White guys don't wash their dicks.

White guys, rest assured that washing your dick every time you shower is enough to classify you under "does wash dick." (It's got to be EVERY time you shower though.)

Mono

2009-11-10T23:55:00.000-08:00

My dad gave me a pat on the back for getting Mono. Throughout the whole summer leading up to tenth grade I slept in till 1:pm, napped on picnic tables and played the sick card to avoid getting a summer job.

It was fucking awesome.

Mom could tell my glans were swollen, but only when I put my ear to my shoulder, could you see the epic baseball size mass sticking out of my neck. I was sort of proud of it.

Also, I drank a shit ton of Serge.

My dad would bring by a 12 pack of it every other day; a pseudo, medicinal campaign to help me shake the sand man.

When the summer started, I was short and fat. By the end of summer I awoke tall with even baggier Jncos.

My height is a little bit unprecedented at the family BBQ's, and a little piece of me wants to thank the Surge.

Thank you, my fully loaded citrus soda (with Carbos).

Yes, that's the fat kid from Sandlot.

Parking Ticket?

2009-10-28T20:42:00.000-07:00

No Surprise

2009-10-26T17:25:00.000-07:00

When my youngest sister's, Junkie Boyfriend got out of jail, she gave him a key to her new apartment, with a keychain that reads "Welcome Home."

Now that he's back in Jail, he doesn't need it anymore. Nor does he need any of the other stuff on The Table.

Sausage Fest

2009-10-15T21:12:00.000-07:00

Check out the CIA world Fact Book.

USA

Population

307,212,123

Sex ratio:

total population: 0.97 male(s)/female (2009 est.)
Oh sweet, more girls than guys.

65 years and over: 0.75 male(s)/female
Oh snap, it's all old women!

under 15 years: 1.04 male(s)/female

Life Expectancy

Men: 75.64 years.
That's up! By 3.45 years.
Women: 80.69 years.
That's up too, but only by like... 9 months.

People over the age of 65 make up 12.8% of the population(20.2% under age 15). That means that if everyone was forced to couple up, 248,227 young men would be forced to hook up with whithered old women over the age of 75.

And of course, 8.6 Million women would have to wander around with no chance of ever finding a man. (but keep in mind, they're like... hella old.)

Jail Names

2009-10-15T02:07:00.000-07:00

I fully invite you to play around with Arizona's Prison Inmate Database.

You can look an inmate up by their ALIAS!!!

I always thought that a prison Alias was somewhat an honorary title, but the data I've collected is leaning towards the contrary.

First off, if your Alias is something revolving around Money (or Dollaz), it's a 6:7 ratio that you'll have more than one Alias.

However, guys named Killer (et al.) are likely to stick with their Alias, yet only 10% of those guys actually earn the name (as opposed to the 53% of Money guys).

And as far as I'm concerned, out of the many pages of guys called "Monster," these are the only two guys who earned it.

Catfish murdered a wal-mart exec.

And if you've always wondered if you'd be able to fight off a jail rape, then size up the list I've compiled of all the Bubba's currently incarcerated in the State of Arizona.

Based on my intuition, I've delineated the more gentler looking Bubba's to the right hand side.

Huff

2009-10-12T22:10:00.000-07:00

Here are two of the three==> Homeless people that are burning trash in the fire place!

She's wearing my youngest sister's clothes... "all the way down to the panties."
(it's in quotes because - of course - I had to hear that. I didn't like... know.)

The kid in her lap is pretty much harmless. And, I'll have you know, there's now a rule in place which prohibits his parents from putting their hands over his mouth when he cries.

The third in their little nomadic family

got smashed in the face with a laptop computer.

The bullshitting with the neighbor's turned into Shit Talking and suddenly a bunch of drunk people in their early 20's were brawling in the parking lot.

It was the neighbor's own laptop, which is so fucking stupid, the cops probably didn't believe it (when the whole force showed up on the scene).

It's sort of ingenious when you think about it. If you smash your own, very expensive, laptop over a guys face you could just say "No I didn't," and the cops will arrest the guy you assaulted.

Which is what happened.

Which is why that baby is with his grandma and his parents both went to jail last night.

Ladies Room

2009-10-06T22:37:00.000-07:00

I walked into a restroom the other day, looking for a clean stall. One after another, I kept finding nasty things behind each door. If it wasn't murky and in need of a flush, it had toilet paper strewn about, or water on the seat.

I'm not an emergency type of restroom guy. I was restroom phobic in highschool, so I can relate with those who skip lunch because they have to leave work and go home to cure a stomach ache. But these days, I demand that I be able to evacuate whenever, and where-ever I want.
This is one of the reasons why I love (more like appreciate) having a starbucks on every corner.

Anyhow, being that there was no real urgency in my visit to this dirty restroom, I decided I'd wait till after lunch to take a shit.

Upon my exit, I realized I had walked into the women's room. And had it not been so gross, I would have probably taken a shit in there, and encountered some old lady, and been chased out of the restaurant.

I have mixed feelings over this small stroke of luck.

They're Back in Town plus one

2009-09-29T19:48:00.000-07:00

`

This is Cheddar

He has Fleas and Pees blood.

He's staying with my Sister so that my youngest sister can have maintenance come by her apartment.

What's more is that he's not even my youngest sister's cat! He's crashing at her apartment while his owner (who is couch surfing with her baby) stays with friends who don't allow cats.

And even more retarded: My youngest sister also lives in a place that does not allow cats.

Cheddar used to stay in an apartment that allowed cats, but the people who lived there got fleas. So their cat and Cheddar both got smashed hard with flea treatments until they both started peeing blood.

Once both the cats started to pee blood, they decided to take their cat to the vet... and they told Cheddar to hit the road.

So now he lives with my youngest sister, who took him to the vet - but tonight - he's hiding out at my other sister's house, so maintenance doesn't find out about him.

Obviously when maintenance walks into my youngest sister's apartment, the house is going to stink so bad, he'll write her up for something.

Trust me, there are lots of different things that the maintenance guy is going to smell.

First of all, this guy- click here Whom, this weekend, my dad bailed out of jail.
On the grounds that he delete all the "other bitches," (who aren't my sister) out of his iphone (which my dad hooked up) and also cut his dreadlocks off (which he didn't cuz my sister told him not to.)

Then if not the cat stink that comes with a cat who pees blood, then the maintenance guy will definitely smell the odors of the...

Homeless people that are burning trash in the fire place!

(I shit you not, every word in that sentence is true.)

A 20 year old mooch, her 23 year old ex con "husband," and their 18 year old baby are now crashing on pillows in the living room while happily unemployed.

The baby was 7 months in gestation the last time they "lived," at my youngest sister's place. They ended up leaving town, after never paying rent and now they're back with the baby, who's surprisingly much heavier than we thought it'd be (because - you know... glug glug glug, puff puff puff).

And it's not like they're hard-case homeless people, who went feral on the streets and are instinctively burning trash for warmth, they're just sloppy, trashy fuckers who are too lazy to take trash to the dumpsters. But they fucking drink behind the dumpsters because Dreadlocks is in recovery and the house has rules.

Oh, and I guess that a drug free household only applies to certain drugs because they went ahead and used my youngest sister's kitchen to make Mushroom Fudge.

According to my sister, they didn't mince the shrooms at all, so it looks sorta like this.

I told my youngest sister the same thing I told her last time they moved into her apartment.

"You know they're not gonna pay rent, right?"

But she assured me that this time around, they were getting state benefits for having a baby, so they'd be able to kick down rent. So now they're welcome guests who can break BOTH the dishwasher (clogged with food) and the Washer (tilted from being too full) which is why maintenance is coming.

While maintenance is over, the "homeless" people have to stay with moochy's mom. (Whom they should be staying with anyway - but it's a pride thing - as evident by moochy's famous line "Fuck you mom, don't talk to me like that, I'm Pregnant! I'm a grown ass bitch now!")

Unfortunately, the benefits thing isn't working out. Who would have thought that when you leave Arizona, that Arizona would stop paying for your rent and your kid's daycare?

Not that they needed daycare. They didn't have fucking jobs! Seriously they just took their kid to daycare for 8 hours a day while they chilled at home and lamented over having a child.

From what I've heard, state subsidized daycare was the only parenting that this 18 month old was getting.

Seriously, these are (all of) his toys:

(hopefully they'll wash this after they end up needing to use it)

(I'm pretty sure they'll never "need" this)

(It's a rattle)

Tried to start something

2009-09-22T22:38:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd make it my thing, where I'd go to bars and order a tall glass of milk.

It was supposed to be a subtle bad-ass move, Boy-Named-Sue style.

Most bars don't serve milk, and according to my bartender friend, "Only assholes would order milk."

I never considered that a bartender usually keeps the milk in the "big fridge," and to get to the milk, he has to abandon his post when he should be juggling the taps.

So I guess it makes sense that when I finally, successfully ordered a tall glass of milk, I got a scathing stare-down and the quip "You want a straw with that?"

It came out sorta warm, and sorta tasted like limes, which sorta means it was already going bad.

Then I got to take a shit in a bar.

I heard on the Radio

2009-09-14T20:00:00.000-07:00

I heard on the radio that Kanye (Rhymes a word with the same word west) West claims that Beyonce's video for "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)," is the best video of all time; especially when compared to Taylor Swift's video.

I watched the two videos and I'd have to say he's wrong.

It's not even the best video-where-someone-sings-and-dances-during-the-whole-video-in-one-room-video of all time.

(the song sucks too) In fact, this was exactly the type of video that made me disenchanted with music videos when I was 10.

Before MTV, all you had was the pictures in your head. Some people were totally blown over by music videos because these short films (with stories) dictated - to the day dreamers - what to think, and promoted - for the mindless - to think about stuff when you heard the song.

At the very least, Taylor Swifts video was better because it made a song, which I dislike, bearable while I watched the story in the video.

Beyonce's video might as well be a stage performance. (one of the worst kinds of music videos.)

Beyonce's Video

Taylor Swift's Video

Sitting Places

2009-09-08T16:12:00.000-07:00

There's an irony to how much sitting is involved in traveling.

Planes are fucking stupid.
I tend to avoid going to theatres because I can't smoke during the movie. Not being able to smoke on planes is something I can live with.

But I take it as a big Fuck-You when they tell me I can't smoke, every two minutes between check in and take off, and then make me stare at a picture of a fucking cigarette for 3 hours.

Sitting in bleachers is fucking stupid too.

If it's not the kid grinding his fidgeting knee into my leg,
the prospect of getting fucked by a total stranger when passing money and food between myself and a vendor,
or having to weigh the cost::benefit of pissing your pants vs. stepping on the hand of some mechanic's girlfriend,
then it's definitely the tobacco chewing, Midwestern homophobe singing to country music and bleacher dancing between my legs.

The Present

2009-08-30T22:47:00.000-07:00

If I went back in time to the 50's and were to be asked "Are there flying cars in the future?"

I'd reply "No, we still can't seem to keep cars from crashing on the ground, so letting teenagers, alcoholics and the elderly take to the sky, is probably never going to be in the cards. But, in the future, the smartest scientific mind on earth... talks using a robot computer voice."

Thinking about baseball

2009-08-30T22:25:00.000-07:00

My mom was telling me there was a small handful of shirts which she really liked at the store, but once she got them home, she decided she didn't like them.

So she decided to show them to my girlfriend, adding "Because... we're about the same size."

No!

NO!

God Damn it!

Baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, base-ball, BassBowl, Base Ball, Baseball, Baseball, Baseball, BASEBALL!

Homefront Drama

2009-08-22T02:08:00.000-07:00

Four or Five years ago, my mom let my teenage sister's boyfriend move in.

When he showed up to our house with a fat lip, the story was that his dad tried to beat the gay out of him.

Having a teenage romance under the roof isn't very conducive to -you know- the whole parenting thing, but my mom figured that by letting this soft spoken kid move in,

he might turn his grades around.

The kitchen gets messy, mom keeps re-stating the rules about sharing blankets, and the kid's dad pawns his electric guitar.

Then, not long into his stay, he goes camping with some girl who my sister hates,

and they end up making-out or whatever it is that teenagers do to cheat on each other.

See, my sister was so adamant to have this kid move in, that she spent long, long hours grinding the folks down to convince them it was best for this kid. She slowly won mom over until finally the step dad had no say.

The problem was, to get my mom to let the kid move in, my sister had to hustle this line about how it has nothing to do with her wanting her boyfriend to live at the house, it's that this kid has no safe place to stay.

So when my sister decided she wanted the kid kicked out for cheating on her, my mom was all like "But he has no safe place to stay."

HA!

For months, my sister bounced between getting back together with him, and ratting him out like some jealous step-sister.

I noticed that I was losing shit all the time - cigarettes and cash; here, a hollowed out book; there - until christmas rolled around and we realized this kid was a fucking thief. He stole our fucking christmas money.

And mom wanted to give the kid a super-family christmas, so she bought the kid an electric guitar. (His family wouldn't let him come over on holidays because he allegedly stole $1200 from his grandma)

My mom, not wanting to shatter the image of a perfect christmas, infuriated my other sister by turning a blind eye. There was further outrage after Mom affirmed that we had violated this kid's civil rights by searching his belongings and seizing this impressively, massive bag of grass which coincidentally weighed-out to a dollar amount somewhat similar to that of the stolen fucking christmas money.

So after my other sister paraded around the chirstmas tree with a huge bag of weed, mom created a penalty best described as a mild inquisition. He admitted to owning the bag of weed that was in his backpack and cost as much as the stolen christmas money, but he denied steeling the christmas money.

Case closed.

(Kid gets his weed back)

My other sister punches my sister in the face.

It was an epic christmas.

And this is what that fucking kid got me from the dollar store.

This kid's ascent into his twenties was fit for a thief. The type of thief who would get busted trying to steal the TV from the cabana of his dad's apartment complex.

Luckily, when you're white, you might be able to trick a judge into believing that you are more parts Junkie than parts thief and then Poof! The hardships of being raped in prison are suddenly turned into the mere inconvenience of getting your girlfriend to piss into condoms so you can pass your bi-weekly drug tests.

Seemingly out of the fucking blue, my sister started visiting this kid while he was in county. Completely omitting from her past the stolen christmas money, a $300 burn from her stolen debit card, a screen shot of a forged $5K check which the kid had to delete from his myspace comments, chuckles over seeing him holding a cardboard sign on a downtown street corner, rumors of some really down low shit he did to get heroin, (etc. etc.) she goes out and signs a one bedroom lease that's twice her monthly income and she lets the kid move in.

So now I'm sifting through his myspace pics, and -oh look - here's one of his skid row cronies who just might be strong enough to carry my Flat Screen to the bus stop.

Health Care

2009-08-19T14:52:00.000-07:00

60% of all bankruptcies were caused by medical bills.
40% were not.

Of the chunk of Bankruptcies caused by medical bills, 75% of those people HAD MEDICAL COVERAGE!

(75% of 60 is 45)

That means that 45% of all bankruptcies were caused by medical bills that insurance wouldn't pay for.

So the leading cause of bankruptcy is health insurance carriers fucking people over.

It Takes A Village

2009-08-04T18:34:00.000-07:00

My last visit to Disney land was close to ruined by all the crying children. How the fuck does a child come to cry in Disney land?

Always curious about the result of mixing cookies with spankings (would it make one love spankings, or hate cookies?) I've come to find that mixing Disney land with crying children has made me Revel in a child's discontent.

What's more, I love telling kids to "Cut it out," in public.

About a year ago, this woman and her kid sort of cut in front of me and the girlfriend, at a papa murphy's. She did the old While-this-couple-is-deciding-I'll-just-read-the-menu-where-you're-supposed-to-order thing.

So while I was glaring at the back of the bitches head, her kid starts zipping around and decides to get all autonomous at the soda cooler.

One after another, the kid starts budging the caps on the bottles, and I can hear each one hiss from all the way across the store.

"Hey Ivan," I grumble, repeating what I heard his mom call him. "Cut it out," I say in a tone to make it stick.

His mom turned back to smile and chuckle at me the way one does when encountering a loquacious, aging meth-addict.

"He's breaking the seal on the bottles," I inform her.

She looked like this

Only more skeptical. And she squeals "He's thrEEEee!" in the whiny tone which a mom who looks like that would use. "Some ADULTS aren't even strong enough to open those!" she challenged.

"Well," I walked to the cooler, "He opened this one, this one, and this one..." I told her as I squeezed each bottle, "But he didn't open this one." The last, one keeping it's firm composure the way a bottle for sale should.

The kid clutched his mother's leg while she and I stared at each other. Then she turned to the counter and ordered the three bottles her kid picked to fuck up.

I came in my pants. And then I left like some super-hero recess-teacher with an endless pad of D-slips.

Weeks ago I was at Costco doing the whole Put-half-my-food-in-front-of-my-sister-because-$10-does-so-much-damage-in-the-cafe-that-if-all-the-food-I-was-planning-to-eat-was-in-front-of-me-I'd-look-like-one-of-those-fat-microsoft-guys-in-a-wolf-pack-shirt thing.

Seven dollars down, I slide "My sister's food" to my side of the table,

and my sister goes "That kid is wasting onions."

I look across the cafe and see some kid cranking away on the onion machine

watching the business-end shit out onions.

"Hey Kid!" I belt out with a mouth full of polish. "Cut it out."

Every Asian in the place stared at me... but the kid stopped and looked around.

Then the kid started up again - so of course - "HEY KID! Cut It OUT!"

It just so happens that Mother-of-the-year was standing right beside me with her cart. She called him over and made me come in my pants.

"You're not getting any ice cream!"
"No!" he cried. And in his upright tantrum comes bouncing out his mouth "But I really Want it!"

I smiled because my food suddenly tasted better.

Anyhow, this barefoot little shit makes me feel like a dog that's been told not to bark at the TV.

And this one makes me gleeful because I hate shitty parents and their prodigies.

Mars

2009-07-07T23:17:00.000-07:00

This is the credible website for the Europian Space Agency:

http://www.esa.int/esaCP/index.html

At that credible site you can find this picture of the Hale Crater on Mars.

Click here for high res

Some huge nerds have noticed that if you mess with the brightness and contrast, you can observe some pretty interesting shit in the bottom left portion of the image.

See the face shaped monument?

See the Cities?

Billy Mays

2009-06-30T00:02:00.000-07:00

Billy Mays, I guess, died of heart failure, but he still wasn't wearing his seat belt when his flight landed.

Billy Mays was rich in money, rich in spirit, and probably a dick in every other department.

I had an isle seat, sharing my row with a woman and her father. On take-off, both the woman and myself noticed a strip of vapor streaming from the engine. She and I both thought it was an aeronautical emergency but her father assured us that it was just clouds getting sliced.

Then he said "If the lord decides it's our time, then it's our time."
So says the guy who can dress like the crocodile hunter and take two months off work to take his daughter on a mission to build a clinic in rural Asia.

So hey, maybe that's what Billy Mays was thinking when he blatantly ignored the fasten seat belt sign at the risk of getting chewed out by a flight attendant. "If the lord decides it's my time, then it's my time."
Fuck you!

If you're going to embrace gods plan by flirting with being projected from your seat and pin-balling through a cabin full of passengers then you're a fucking dick.

My Michael Jackson Post

2009-06-27T16:15:00.001-07:00

THERE'S STILL BLOOD ON THE STREETS OF TEHRAN!!!!!!!

If you loved Micheal Jackson so much, why did you let him die $400Million in Debt? Shame on you and your iPod.

Additionally- THERE'S STILL BLOOD ON THE STREETS OF TEHRAN!!!!!!!!

When Clinton was shooting Missiles into Bagdhad, Michael Jackson was the top news story.

After Bush stood in front of a banner reading "Mission Accomplished," we all turned our heads and started talking about Jesus Juice!

Now Iran is divided and we have to wait a few weeks before we get to hear MJ's toxicology report. I'm sorry but if his blood work comes back dirty, then we're totally invading Iran. (Cause MJ was murdered by the war machine).

Thanks

2009-06-24T17:14:00.000-07:00

The person who thought that "tq," would be an appropriate abbreviation for "Thank you," was a fucking idiot for thinking that "Thank you," should ever be abbreviated.

Observation by the unemployed

2009-06-10T14:36:00.001-07:00

I've come to observe that the only reason why facebook is so popular, is because it's pure drip girl abuse of myspace.

Seriously, it feels like a network built completely around the stupid bulletins girls used to post on myspace, the stupid comments they used to leave on profiles, and it's all wrapped up in a nice little package where random guys can't search-for/holler-at random single girls.

Racism????

2009-05-25T15:41:00.000-07:00

Several hours of volunteer work made a participant eager to take on a writing contract, for an educational project which paid around 40cents per word. The project coordinator already had writers in mind. Those writers turned out to be slow, demanding and finally one of them walked.

With the position open again, and the participating volunteer having fully expressed an interest in taking on the writing contract - for the participant could have benefited greatly from the compensation and exposure - it was disheartening to hear that - though the participant had dedicated hours of work to the cause - the gainfully employed writer who was awarded the contract, was selected based on skin color.

According to Dr. Beverly Tatum, this is not racism because I am white, and the writer who got the contract... is not.

Even though I've read Tatum and preached similar material, I feel hella bitter about this.

Not bitter like "go back to your country," bitter.

But more like "I don't think you should use 'advancement' and 'social justice' interchangeably," bitter.

There's more to the story, so lets review the facts.

I can fully accept this concept of "only whites can be racist," because the SYSTEM is created to view whites as individuals and non whites as Hyphenated Americans.

However, I don't think that this concept exonerates any American from Actin' Right.

And on the topic of writing, I think Hayden trumps Tatum:

"To put it succinctly, I feel that Afro-American poets ought to be looked at as poets first, if that’s what they truly are. And as one of them I dare to hope that if my work means anything, if it’s any good at all, it’s going to have a human impact, not a narrowly racial or ethnic or political and overspecialized impact."

Fired???????

2009-05-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

I no longer have the worst job ever!

According to the staffing agency I appeared to "lack motivation," because I asked for my Birthday off and also, on my fourth day - of having to stand around doing nothing - I arrived late.
There's no excuse for arriving late, but if you arrived late and still beat the boss to work, then the fact he found out you were late is cause to assume that his informant will most likely NOT be divulging that you arrive early every other day.

All I know is the other temp, who was eager to have a three day weekend, kept pressing me to ask the boss if we had Monday off. I had already told her that the office would be open Monday, and I later watched the associate manager tell her the exact same thing.

Everyone loves a three day weekend but I wasn't planning to take Monday off. In fact I told the other temp that because she already made plans to go camping, that I'd be fine with working Monday (which would've been a great opportunity for me to fly my first solo mission on a slow day.)

So at the end of Thursday, she went to the boss to inquire for herself. Then she left abruptly, and then I was asked not to come back. They said that "with the long weekend coming up" they thought I'd enjoy having Friday to myself as well.

I think I got fucked.

The staffing agency says they're not going to put a negative mark in my file because even though I was being trained by a temp who had a whole 2 weeks seniority over me, not having a desk, phone, computer or chair made it impossible for me to perform the job they hired me for (which, btw, was NOT Assistant Receptionist.)

I was viewing this shitty job as an opportunity for me to spin straw into gold. The only thing bringing me back to work each day was my internal insistence that this was a test of my enduring positive attitude. So being accused of lacking motivation is the fucking DIM (dick in mouth.)

Anyhow, they're looking to restaff the position but I think they're doing it internally because I have yet to see this posting on Craig's list.

Help Wanted:

Insecure, Front Desk Temp Seeks Assistant/Scapegoat

Full time, Mon-Fri

Duties include sorting, filing, copying and spending most of the day in time-out.

Successful candidates will possess mortgage industry experience and a complacency with having all interactions with upper management brokered through a jaded, error prone cow who is aggressively vying for permanent placement.

Permanent placement for this position is not likely, but it will feel like an eternity.

Applicants with birthdays need not apply.

I'll have you know

2009-05-16T02:45:00.001-07:00

The girl who did the voices for both:

Anne-Marie

and Ducky

died when she was ten years old.

Her father shot her in the head, then doused her with gasoline and set her body on fire.

(he sang the same verse to mom.)

A Card With Some Money

2009-05-13T21:14:00.000-07:00

I hate tangible gifts. I want something finite that I can throw away or throw away on booze and cigarettes. So when my girlfriend asserted that I must want SOMETHING for my bday, all I could aid her with was a list of Don'ts.

She said she thought my love for her gift would transcend my aversion to said don'ts. Which I could have played along with, had she said that BEFORE I took a huge shit all over her gift.

Where I've argued that the term Bitchiness technically is separate from calling the subject a bitch- she was able to apply my logic towards NOT calling me a deuce bag (technically.)

So I got to roll stag for the first few hours of my special day.

Fuck my life; Look what my Mom got me.

I shit you not, that's really what she got me. Two of them.

It's a quintessential example of how I, at 27 years old, fucking hate receiving gifts.

My mom thought that I could create one of those magical moments where you're on a date and find two hoppity balls in the street, by just showing up with them- pre inflated- in the back seat of my car.

I do not jest; my sister told me so.

That explains the fucking color scheme.

My sister told me that my mom literally said "Maybe they can bounce 'em down the block- or around the mall."

The fucking MALL?????

I wonder where she got that idea.

Baltimore

2009-05-12T00:12:00.000-07:00

Fear

2009-05-11T23:19:00.000-07:00

SIES

2009-05-10T22:29:00.000-07:00

I caught the bride's garter at a weekend wedding and realized it's the sixth (6th) one I've caught.

That's fucking obscene! SIX????

If I catch another one, I'm going to start attending weddings with past garters striping down my left arm. Sort of a wedding-ey scalp collection- if you catch my drift. And I'm going to start doing big-dick struts around the dance floor when I claim future trophies.

It will be nice to have some notoriety.

I'd rather reign in prison, but the chances of that are pretty slim.

Tricks of the Trade

2009-04-20T12:58:00.001-07:00

My baby sister told me how she learned at her pole dancing class that the classical Ass Slap is a sneaky way to wipe the sweat off your hand so you don't slip off the pole.

I guess it takes a lot of strength to be able to pole dance, which is why lots and lots of girls are taking it up.

What the fuck ever happened to riveting?

"Are you googling 'Stupid, Fucking Boyfriend???'"

2009-04-06T20:29:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my generous friend Nick, this is me wearing a partially-inflated, Airline, Life Vest.

Ignoring the "OR" in the image below-

This is me OVER INFLATING an Airline Life preserver.

This is the childhood epiphany that your head is fucking stuck in the back of a chair or inside a staircase hand rail.

This is the power of Co2

And this is the death collar from the movie Saw III

So while my girlfriend and I were in a frenzy to figure out how to SAFELY remove the rigid, creaking, ice-cold, time bomb- from around my neck,
This is what I squealed (while on my knees)-

"Are you Googling 'Stupid Fucking Boyfriend???'"

Fail.

Hops

2009-04-01T14:33:00.000-07:00

All dressed up for Mike's wedding, we stood infront of the church so that the photographer could take advantage of the silver-sky light and snap a few "Calvin Kline" shots. (bullshit)

Then some girly voice giggled "Lets get one of us all Jumping!!!!!"

And I was like "... ... Really?"

And then I decided to follow the crowd.

Nice hops fancy pants.

Smiling

2009-03-28T19:57:00.001-07:00

Ever just sit around and google pics of Cornell West and trip over a "Fuck Yes!" moment?

If I were white- and I am...

and IF, I stole hip-hop from the black community- which (I guess) I somewhat partook in...

and IF I had the tenacity to start imposing rules upon hip-hop- which is what I'm about to do...

I'd make THIS

The FIFTH element of hip-hop.

Seriously, my brain and my heart were fervently making love and the stain they left on my shirt looked EXACTLY like that pic.

Observations by the unemployed.

2009-03-25T18:34:00.000-07:00

-2:00pm is the new Noon and the snooze button is now called the "Fuck it" button.

-Shaving will always feel like a chore, even when it's only once a week.

-This is Simon the bad guy.

This is Simon the good guy.

Both are in-your-face characters from 1990's action films ("Movies.")

DannyHott

2009-03-18T17:34:00.000-07:00

Enough people blogged over the somewhat humorous, somewhat adorable (if you're a girl), extremely uncomfortable video posted by the young DannyHott (then 10 years old) singing "Touch My Body."

With lyrics such as:

Touch my body
Let me rub my thighs
all around your waste
just for a little taste

The blogosphere debuted his single under titles like "Where are this kid's parents?"

Of course he didn't write the song, he just sang it. And perhaps it was an oversight on his part to post a video which would serve as cafeteria-bully gold. But, after subscribing to his video blog and watching many, many of his videos, I've come to find that this angelic, energetic little boy views himself as somewhat of a diva. And though I have little to base this on, I presume he's probably also a playground sass.

The question: "Where are this kid's parents?" is not so much answered when I see them in the background of his video posts, but more-so comes back into my thoughts when the kid broadcasts, across the internet, things like his full name, where he lives and subtle clues which could make it almost impossible for a pederast not to take the afternoon off and drive by his school.

Dare I say he's asking for it?

Aside from the comically homo-erotic spelling errors all over his posts-

Anyone who's caught DannyHott Fever is destined to come across photo after photo of the sexy little star.

Here's Danny looking heroin sheik.

Here's Danny in makeup NOT seen in The Dark Knight

Here's one of Danny spread-eagle with balls on his head.

And how does this picture below become the cover to his myspace photo album?

The DannyHott way, of course!

Nonetheless, sexually aware or merely a blunderous child, my assertion that this kid is a diva was confirmed when I saw his video post which I found both puzzling and abruptly bizarre.

FYI: I looked into this, and during stages of denial, you're supposed to promote daily functions to keep the child grounded in reality... things like dressing himself.

Update: I've come to notice, after reviewing this post, that Danny may have been wearing the shirt and chain seen in this picture of his father posing with their parrot Maui.

A small difference.

2009-02-17T21:37:00.001-08:00

There was a debate among Christians over whether Christ was the same as God or Similar to God.

In Greek, the terms:
Homoousios (same)
and
Homoiousios (similar)
would be the same words if it weren't for one iota of difference.

BBQ Sauce

2009-02-05T19:18:00.000-08:00

I'm disappointed to find out that BBQ sauce is pretty much Tomato base, vinegar, spices and sweeteners. Across the board, I didn't think Vinegar was what turned Spicey, Sweet Ketchup into bbq sauce.

I don't know why, but when I set out to look up the magic ingredient known to me as "BBQ," I was expecting a special serum composed of common spices which created what I used to think of as a Unique flavor.

Vinegar?????

Road Turtles.

2009-01-31T03:37:00.000-08:00

They're actually called Bott's Dots.

Dr. Botts worked for the DOT. He died before they were officially used as a remedy to painted lines disappearing under water. Tested in Sacramento around 1955, the research was rediscovered after Bott's death and officially used on I-80 in 1965.

Raised markers were an idea from the 30's but not until the postwar economic boom put massive amounts of cars on the road, did they take the project seriously. Bott's is accredited for creating the epoxy which glues them to the road... but honestly, his first attempt was to affix them to the road with nails and that fucked a lot of cars up. Some sources say that one of his prodigies actually came up with the epoxy.

Bott's dots are not used in states where snow plows will scrape them off the road, with the exception of temporary Bott's dots placed in construction zones between spring and early winter.

Preceding the Bott's Dot was the Cats Eye.

It's from the UK and was in use when the USA was toying with the idea of raised markers. When war was causing city blackouts, street side rail lines were the best tactile markers for motorists, hence the innovation for raised markers.

In 1999 one of the Cats Eye road studs became dislodged by a van, and punched through the windshield of an oncoming automobile, hitting Drum and Bass DJ Kemistry in the face, killing her instantly.

Kemistry introduced Goldie to the drum and bass scene and they co founded the label Metalheadz.

We Don't Need No Wawta'

2009-01-21T21:28:00.000-08:00

Fire Fighter Pete
AKA Pete Smith the Singing Firefighter

He's got a few songs out on youtube and he's made TWO separate videos for his hit:
"Stop Drop and Roll."
The song is pretty unspectacular, so two separate videos hosted by him on his youtube profile seems a bit prodigal to me.

He must be proud as shit of it.

The first video is him at home singing it.

The second is a touch more prima donna.

Apparently the Sarg shot down any of Pete's requests to shoot around the fire station.
Hence the video's serious lack of Fire Poles, Fire Engines, Fire Hoses or actual Fire.

Either that or Pete has a tendency to disappear on days he brings his guitar to work.

Blue and Black Jack [Johnson]

2009-01-17T03:10:00.000-08:00

The first Black Heavyweight Champion of the world.

He Flaunted his Money

Flossed his Big Gold Teeth

Dominated the Ring

And loved White Women.

He scared white people so bad that

Jack London (The Call of the Wild)

called out for someone to dethrone Johnson and Coined the term:
"The Great White Hope."

100 lbs overweight and with plenty of time to read, James J. Jeffries came out of retirement and said, "I am going into this fight for the sole purpose of proving that a white man is better than a Negro."

On July 4th 1910 they fought the fight of the century.
The all white Crowd chanted "Kill the ni***(r)."

Jack Johnson fought JJ Jeffries for 15 rounds.
They called the fight before Johnson could knock him the fuck out.

Johnson took home 225 grand and humiliated whites rioted on the 4th of July.

Three Hots and a Cot

2008-12-20T19:35:00.000-08:00

This guy knew exactly what he was doing.

Some people are so poor they demean themselves for a warm place to stay.

Robin Williams

2008-12-15T16:39:00.000-08:00

I had privelage of seeing Robin Williams perform live last week.

In a theatre setting I try and arive early to stake my claim on the airspace I take up as that tall fuck infront of you. I recall how much it sucks when some ogre sits infront of you at a show. This flannel wearing grizzley bear sat infront of me at the nut cracker when I was a kid. He also put one arm around his mom and one arm around his wife to chillax through the whole ballet. Recounting this to my fifth grade teacher, she laughed in my face when I whined "And he didn't even get dressed up!"

So when you arrive at the theatre and find that I am sitting up as tall as I can in the seat infront of yours, hopefully you'll sigh and deal with it.
But when I show up and model my poorly fitting jeans for you as my big boy ass roots itself in blocking your view- once we've made eyecontact it makes it a little more difficult for me to take joy in obliviously ruining your night.
To add insult to injury, when a tall guy takes the seat infront of you, he probably got free tickets and is not that interested in being there.

My free tickets for Robin Williams had me seated in the nonexistent seat reserved for wheelchairs. So just as the folks behind me were thinking "sweet, we've got legroom in lieu of absent tards," I showed up and the usher brought me a highrise chair. (fuck)

Slouching for the benefit of the community my lumbar was screaming throughout the show. And being that my chair wasn't a deep set theater seat, I had virtually no leg room, so my knees were in different time zones making me look like a drunken douce bag at a bachelor party. Unable to lean forward for back relief, I started taking fake bathroom breaks, childishly wasting time doing everything short of flushing all the toilets in the men's room.
Each time I'd return to my chair I'd notice that laughter was ringing out through the crowd but I absolutely could not see anyone around me laughing.

Did I mention that Robin Williams is not fucking funny?

History

2008-12-02T13:42:00.000-08:00

This Guy

Wrote This

High as fuck on Cocaine.

His wife and step-son recall him bouncing into the room reading his work unsolicited and then dashing off to write more.

Reminds me of a roommate I had in college.

Compassion

2008-11-25T13:42:00.001-08:00

When I see someone with Down Syndrome wearing gangsta clothes, it sorta puts my heart at ease. Perhaps my able-ist centricities have me couple Down Syndrome with tragedy, so when I see someone with Down Syndrome wearing gnagsta clothes, I assume that someone, like a hip older brother, is looking out for them. Either that or it takes the edge off of the gangsta fashion and my mind is put at ease knowing that I will probably survive any gangsta-like attack upon me or my personal belongings.

Anyhow, now you might understand why- when I saw these:

I went, "Awwwww."

It's so benign- and reeks of TLC!!!!

I'm pretty confident in the fact that if either (or both) of those two above tried to front I could just yell "Watch out! Medicine that looks like Candy!!!!" then turn and run away.

I wish I could say that I found those pictures while browsing ultra hip and/or prestigious web venues like npr.org- but really- I just googled "Dolls with Down Syndrome" and it turned out to be a slam dunk.

What I've learned today is:

How to spot a crappy homemade Down Syndrome doll like this ==>

And how to spot the genuine article.

Most of them have their tongue's sticking out, along with the "trademark" flat bridge nose and almond shaped eyes.

Also, it's not a down syndrome doll without the spaced big toe

And check the soft-sculpt
Down Syndrome dolls
for an embroydered crease
on the back of the hands.

This one's a tough one,

but look closely and you'll agree-

She's down syndromey.====>

These dolls seemed to be geered towards that audience of well do to, well intentioned parents with imaginations exceeding any sort of piagetian theory.

Once while teaching preschool I got punched in the balls by a kid, infront of the whole classroom.

All the kids laughed at me, and the Director of the school huffed when I demanded relief while my pain subsided.

She took that little fucker into her office and "had a nice long talk." Returning him to the classroom she asked "Is there anything else you need?" in a snide tone.

Perhaps an apology?" I replied while I refrained from adjusting my nuts.

"I don't see what good that will do." She then addressed my look of surprised dissapointment in her- with,,"They don't learn empathy until age 7 so it won't mean anything."

Where proggressive parents havn't read enough (boring) books, that bitch had read too many, but that does not negate her point.

Just because a doll is thuroughly retarded does not mean the kid is going to learn anything about compassion or caring for different/special people.

My mom had the similar intentions when she got me a Black cabage patch doll named Graham Garnette.

And even if COLECO had made their dolls as gratuitously "correct," as one could to fully encompass The African American-

(sans the gang colors flying from Graham's pocket====>)

I don't think it would have done anything to change how I still, sorta find hanging out with black people to be...

kind of a novelty.

Shudter

2008-11-20T00:55:00.000-08:00

I'd say that maybe one in 88 pictures, I look great in. Luckily, I calculate that I've got about 87 pictures to take before we see one this bad again.

When I was a kid my mom forced my sisters and I to eat this horrid dinner she had made. It was an awful tuna casserole and tears were streaming down my face as I gagged through my three bites of compromise. I felt little vindication when my mom finally tried it and then agreed it was foul. The damage was done.
Unbeknownst to the photographer, I was silently reenacting that moment.

Unbeknownst to me, I looked fucking awful.

True Story

2008-11-18T00:12:00.000-08:00

I can't say that vegan people, as a whole, bother me- but the vegans in vegan restaurants bother me.
Always sick- you people.
And blowing your nose at the table? Using alternative cookbooks does not warrant you rewriting the rules of etiquette.

So woe is me, when I dip my fingers in the water glass and flick a spritz in this little girl's face while she's watching me eat.

When I was a kid, I couldn't stand on the booth, cuz mom said so. And for certain, I was not allowed to stand on the booth lean over the back of the seat and stare at the adjacent table of diners.
"Are you one of those guys who spanks other people's kids?" asked the girl I was sitting with.
"Flicking water in her face is far from spanking her."
"Yeah but why did you do that? She wasn't bothering anyone."
"She was bothering me," I replied.
"How?"
I wiped my mouth and took a sip of water cuz this was going to be a thorough explanation. "When studying early childhood education, I had a project where I did a lot of research on breastfeeding. I was actually pretty enthusiastic about the topic once I dove into it, and I found myself in seminar with a gripe- 'I'm all for women being able to breast feed in public, but there seems to be a double standard when it comes to overcoming the stigma attached to breastfeeding in public. Why can't I look on and observe?' The girls in the seminar looked at me like I was a pervert but I assured them that my research had earned me a valid fascination with the phenomena. The room got quiet, because none of the women in the class wanted to say 'yeah that is hypocritical- insisting that breast feeding be de-sexualized but then assume that any man looking on is some sort of pervert.' But my professor was able to reduce this quandary to a rule of thumb. 'It's rude to watch people eat.' And thus, that little girl was watching me eat, and it was rude."
Alluding to being an advocate for breastfeeding somehow gives you a pass to be stern with children (I guess) so having capped that conversation, I got up from the table to take a shit.

Oh self governing vegans, why don't you mind your children. And why the fuck are your bathrooms so dirty? I have no problem waiting outside an occupied bathroom, but when the men's room is occupied by a silver back lesbian with the zule hair cut (and her kid) I think I have cause to complain- especially when it's not a good fit for me to take my big meaty shit in the vacant, vegan ladies' room.

When I got back to the table I complained about having to leave the bathroom in better condition than I found it. Much unlike the silver back lesbian who, when we were leaving, was sitting by the door with her old tit in a baby's mouth.

The internet must think we're fucking idiots.

2008-11-11T21:30:00.000-08:00

Is this a fucking joke?!?!?!?

I don't know what's more perturbing; some marketing pro thinking that randomly generated "Before" pics coupled with randomly generated "After" pics is a good idea, or that the geniuses behind this add were hoping that they might scoop up the demographic of buxom black women interested in becoming flabby white women who don't have the sense to switch to vertical stripes.

What's more is that the "flab to fab" secret is actually marketing a Colon Cleanse. Is this to imply that African Americans are just white people saturated with impacted waste?

Apparently not because Dr. Andrea Pennington promotes the product yet she's still black. However she might not even be using this product because Demons are usually full of shit and around 1:26 she begins to reveal her true demon self. (watch from 1:26)

Fucking Creepy!!!!!

Halloween(s)

2008-11-10T18:35:00.000-08:00

For Halloween I used the same costume I used last year.

"Guy in a cloak."

For holiday haters, it's the perfect costume. I can wear my street clothes, but still look halloweeny in party pics which keeps the host off my shit!

The party I went to on Halloween night was exactly what I expected from my Tacoma crew down at Salmon Beach. I drank, smoked cigarettes, got all profound and left.

On my way up I-5 I called my buddy who lives out in the Sticks.
He told me that the party was just starting.

That was a lie and it turned out to be just he and I at The Ranch.

The man was shit faced and had no sense of balance (it's a tall guy thing). He handed me his phone and had me drunk dial every girl's number he had stored in his phone. Nothing came of that and then he told me he lost his keys. While retracing our steps he passed out in the passenger seat of my car. That's when I decided I should coax him into breaking into his house so I could bounce out of there.
Luckily his stupid fucking keys were mere feet from his front door.
I took a shot of his mom's Schnapps so I wouldn't get the clanks and then headed home to bed.

The next night I went to a party hosted by Horia.

Before I stepped inside, I made sure to put on my cloak.

Horia gets shit, so he appreciated my cloak.

Horia doesn't drink, but he gets shit, so towards the end of the night I ended up shit faced.

Not wanting to wait in line for the bathroom I figured I'd pee outside under the guise of chivalry. Outside where the ash trays were, I was preoccupied with trying to look Not partied-out and I paid little attention to Horia and the others.

Horia gets shit, so when he saw me he sort of chuckled. Standing casually with his hands behind his head, he smirked and told me to go back inside.

"Sure," I replied. "But first I'm gonna pee in the bushes."

"Go back inside," said someone else.

"I will! But first I'm going to pee in the bushes."

Then some prick shines a flashlight in my face and says "Sir, maybe you didn't hear me- Go Back Inside!"

"Oh! Oh. ... understood." and I grooved back inside.

See Horia was submitting to the police at that moment. And he was loving it because:

1. he wasn't drinking

and 2. Horia gets shit.

See, Horia makes video games

and draws grenades

and knows the difference

between MP5's

and M3's

and he was gitty over the fact that:
One of his buddies who's in the Army decided that his costume would be an Authentic Army guy complete with (fully licensed) heavy arms and tactical gear.

When he showed up, he parked his car, popped his trunk and started strapping ammo belts across his chest, slinging holsters, and checking the chambers of his weaponry. A neighbor watched him do this.

Noticing the neighbor he trotted up to the neighbor's door, hardware jangling,

hollering "It's just a costume, it's just a costume!"
Locking the door, the neighbor retreated to the second floor.

"Sir... Sir- it's just a costume," he yelled as the neighbor stared down at him from the window.

So what I didn't know until the next day, was that the cops who were there weren't your routine party patrol

BUT A fully equipped Tactical Unit

and I was the punch line, because when I came out acting a drunken boob, the swat team realized it was a costume party, which sorta took the air out of their sails.

And, according to Horia, as I turned to head back inside, I got all up in the space of a squad member who was hiding in the rhododendrons and much to the young officer’s chagrin, I actually imposed upon his rifle, forcing the muzzle of the gun to point towards the ground.

pwned!

Everyone Loses

2008-11-07T23:31:00.000-08:00

Laura Kightlinger.

I know what you're thinking and- Yes, she did write Daria episodes.

Smokin' hot.

But what's up with her face?

I mean like... what's happening to her face?

Like it or not, I'm masturbating to you tonight.

2008-11-06T23:54:00.000-08:00

Internet dating is a hard nut to crack. Especially on the sites which are free for guys. This is because:
Free for guys = Sausage fest.

600+ and counting.
I predict an increase of enrollment on dating sites that will have a direct correlation with the drop in the Dow.

There are a lot of factors to consider for why this is, but mainly with all the girls my age either already involved or moving away to Brooklyn, the sought after girls are hiding away in places where pabst costs four dollars a pint.
That gets costly when trying to trick a girl into sleeping with you, and even if you're down with drugging a girl- for guys my age, the days of "student discounts" on drugs are long gone. I personally witnessed my buddy Ben sell 2 tabs of ecstasy for $150 to some old guy with a blue tooth and an asian girlfriend.

So as the competition grows on internet dating sites, so will the disdain guys have for girls who don't reply to introductory emails and deny our invitations to inter-bate over IM.
I think this is what sets me apart from the rest of the guys. I fully understand that every other guy is just as bitter and disappointed with the flow of mail into the inbox. This has given me the confidence to understand what's behind the whole notion of persistence. And having cast a wide enough net to master the in person dates, I now click away pretty much indifferent to internet rejection.